Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Famous Biography Titles: Pt 1.

  • Beyonce: You don't Know about Me
  • Destiny's Child: Our Life is too Bootylicious
  • Kelly Rowland: Tales from my adventures with a Bootylicious group.
  • Michelle Williams: I'm a Survivor
  • Kelly Rowland: What you don't know about the other two bitches.
  • Michelle Williams: I hate Beyonce and here's why.
  • Kelly Rowland: I could have been Beyonce.
  • Kelly & Michelle: What about us?

Today's Horoscope

With Venus exiting your chart and Uranus about to enter a new phase, it is important to ask: What the hell is wrong with you? Seriously. Take your head out of your anus and go and apologise. It was your fault and you did create that error that caused so many people awkward discomfort. It is time to face facts; it was all you. Nobody should act that way at the office. You did it, now own it. Damn what does it take to get through to you? Plus you should perhaps reconsider what you said last night, it hurt her feelings and for what purpose? Did you get pleasure out of making her that uncomfortable? Here's a tip - most women are not into threesomes and buddy, face it, you're lucky you could get just one woman to sleep with you. Keep this up and it'll be a lifetime of onesomes for you. How about some flowers? The good kind - not those crap carnations you keep getting from that creepy guy on the corner who screams "Impeach Jesus!" all the time. Well, that's about it for today. Try not to screw this day up but it is your life. One last thing: Call your mother. Oh and don't take public transit.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

The Receipt

"That's it!" She said. "It's over."

Then she handed him a piece of paper.

"What's this?" He asked.

"It's your receipt." She replied.

"My what?"

"Your receipt for our relationship."

"My what?" He was rightfully confused however the question came too late. She had walked away leaving him holding all that was left of his most recent relationship.

He asked aloud: "What am I supposed to do with this?"

A stranger overheard the desperate question. "Go to the address. The one on the receipt."
Surprised he confronted the stranger. "You know what this is?"

The stranger smiled compassionately and said "Just go to the address."

Depressed and with little else to do, due to his recently cancelled plans, he went to the address.

After a short walk he entered a government building. Viewing the building's tenant listings he saw the office he was looking for. In bold 3-d lettering was:


On the third floor he was greeted by a queue of long faced men and women. Quietly he joined the solemn and waited his turn. When it came, he was greeted by by a clerk with a sympathetic smile and a bureaucratic understanding of his needs. She asked for the receipt and then
excused herself. She returned holding a plain cardboard box. The clerk handed him the box, asked him to sign a form and wished him a nice day.

At home he opened the box. Inside was a bottle of shampoo.

"Shampoo!" He was incredulous. "Shampoo!" He said it again but it did not change the fact that all that was in his box was a simple bottle of shampoo. He was mad. He could not believe that his relationship came down to hair soap.

Disappointed, he placed his relationship back in the box and put the box in a cupboard.

Several months later he found himself in need of some shampoo. Not wanting to go to the store, he remembered his ex-girlfriend. With some lingering resentment he removed the shampoo from its box and declared that it was time to wash his hair with his former relationship. In the shower he read the usage instructions on the bottle. They were:

Apply to wet hair.
Place a small amount in your hand.
Bring to lather in your hair.
Rinse and repeat if necessary.

The next day he would ask the new girl in accounting out on a date.
Her name was Jill.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Poetic thoughts about my lunch today or a complicated metaphor for my feelings on the NFL

I really like gazpacho.
However, after eating a half a bowl,
It begins to taste like
Cold soup.
I really hate cold soup.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

bye bye lorelei

And so it ends. perhaps more with a whimper than a bang.
I am talking about Gilmore Girls of course, a show that has been dear to me for the past seven years ( perhaps more - I'm losing count) and has been recently cancelled.

Sadly I'm not surprised. This last season has been a sinking ship of mediocre writing. This is hard for me to say because until this year, Gilmore Girls has consistently been the best written show on TV.

Week after week they kept the quality high.

Now I'm low.

Oh wait:

Things I have never done before:

Bought and sold a house.
Purchased a brand new car.
Hired a criminal lawyer.
Had tea with the Queen.

Oh well 3 out of Four ain't bad.

I have never blogged before. This is strange as i am not sure to whom I am writing this to or for.

Perhaps I'll just remain scattered for awhile.

I'm pondering karma.

oh and criminal lawyers.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

I will start with a greeting.